Welcome to Holland

A friend of mine read this article and told me about it today and even though I'm not Mormon, I think that it really applies across the universe of singledom.

OK, we have all heard the comments; the crazy things that people say. I remember a single friend who was approached by one of her leaders, who sat her down, and with all sincerity, he told her that her future husband was probably an Ethiopian boy who had died, but would be waiting for her in the next life!

What? To my well-educated, "mover and a shaker" of a friend, this attempt at comforting left her head spinning. When she told me, we shared a good laugh; (Remember, Sister Hinckley said you either have to laugh or cry, we prefer to laugh) I thought that was probably the most bizarre thing that anyone had ever said.

She assured me it wasn't. She had a single friend, who was approached by someone who told her, "You are so brave, to have gone through this life, knowing that no one wanted you."

But wait! A couple of weeks ago, I had a friend who told me that someone she knew who wanted to empathize with her challenges of being single, shared of another friend who had cancer, and was going through the same trial. Of course she was appalled, now she was likened to the deadly disease of cancer.

Surely this doesn't even compare to some of the thoughtless comments that others have had to endure. Someone once said, "Loneliness is enduring the presence of those who don't understand." How true this is. We can feel very lonely in marriage, as a child in a large family, at a business meeting, at our own birthday celebration, or in the middle of a stadium of fans. One of our greatest needs in this life is to be understood. Unfortunately as people attempt to understand or show concern; they can say some of the most off the wall things. Certainly I have done this myself.

I love the Italy/Holland analogy.

Most of us are raised thinking we will be going to Italy, (figuratively speaking) getting married to someone who adores you, having a beautiful family, healthy and obedient children, owning a home and living happily ever after. We spend our early life preparing for Italy, we pack our bags for Italy, we learn the language and customs of Italy, we see pictures of Italy, and we are schooled constantly for Italy. We are excited for the future and all it will bring.

Then for some of us, in mid air, the flight attendant announces there have been a change of plans and we will soon be landing in Holland! Wait, we want to go to Italy. We didn't pack for Holland; we don't know the language or the customs of Holland. We haven't even seen a picture of Holland. In fact we don't know the first thing about Holland. Most of our friends are on the plane to Italy, we want to be with them. But our plane is set to land; before we know it we are in Holland.

Of course Holland is beautiful too, it has the tulips, the windmills, friendly people, truly a character of its own, but we just didn't plan to live there. Over time, we come to appreciate all that Holland has to offer, we even find great joy in Holland. However we still mingle with our friends who are living in Italy. They are living in the country where we thought we would be; this can be difficult for us at times. Many of them have never been to Holland. They don't speak our language, or know our customs, or understand us. Occasionally there are difficult and awkward times when we get together.

Both countries are beautiful, and offer so much joy. It can be difficult however, to understand the customs of one, while you are living in the other. So in our effort to connect, and relate, we might say insensitive things, lending to a very real feeling of loneliness.

As one who has lived in Holland most of my life, I have come to appreciate and even love this place. Perhaps that is why tulips are my favorite flower. It is in Holland that I have gained understanding, perspective, a testimony, discipline, gratitude, and a deep love for my Heavenly Father. It is also here that I have found most of my heroes who have inspired me with their strength and commitment. It is here that I have found people who understand, and love unconditionally. As much as I still want to go to Italy, part of me will be forever in Holland.

As I get older, I am finding that more and more of my friends are coming to live in Holland; life is not going as they expected. I love being a tour guide, and showing them the beauty of this place, watching them as they adapt and grow, and introducing them to some of the most amazing people.

Wherever we live at this time, in Italy or Holland, may we try to understand one another, offering unending mercy, and love; you just never know when the flight attendant will say, "Welcome to Holland."


Living the Unexpected Life: Holland or Italy?

By Becky Thomas
For Mormon Times
Sunday, Feb. 08, 2009